A blonde calls her mom: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
- Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
- Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was near by:
- What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?
The trainer looked him up and down and said:
- I think you should try the ATM in the lobby.
- Jimmy, do you think I’m a bad mother?
- My name is Joe ...
Mother: "How was school today, Johnny?"
Little Johnny: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Little Johnny: "What school?"
Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
A blonde rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $945 to cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked:
- You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
- Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
- My wife suffers from a drinking problem.
- Oh is she an alcoholic?
- No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.
Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Patient: “Then no.”
- Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?
- So you can all be really sad when I die.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter:
- Funny, why are they so small today?
- Today, sir, the bull won. - the waiter said.
- Why is women’s soccer so rare?
- It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager!“
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking ...
- Hi, do you want to dance?
- Yeah, sure!
- Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!
A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer:
- Excuse me, how much do you charge?
The lawyer responds:
- I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.
- Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?
- Yes. What’s your third question?
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier,
"I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Dad: She's the daughter of Bill Gates.
Son: Then okay.
Dad goes to Bill Gates.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: He is the CEO of the world bank.
Bill Gates: Then okay.
Dad goes to the president of world bank.
Dad: Appoint my son the CEO of your bank.
Dad: He's the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Then okay.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him,
“So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Job interview in a psychiatry:
- So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
- I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
- Very good, the job is yours.
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
Little Johnny asks his father:
"Where does the wind come from?"
"I don't know."
"Why do dogs bark?"
"I don't know."
"Why is the earth round?"
"I don't know."
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
A little boy says,
”Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
”Son,” says the dad. ”That happens everywhere.”
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
Funny What Do You Call Jokes
What do you call two fat people having a chat?
Answer: A heavy discussion.
What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Why did Patrick throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each “s”!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they’re all in High School!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn’t concentrate!
What do you call a group of killer whales playing musical instruments?
A: An Orca-stra.
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?
A: A chipmonk.
What do you call a man who's not religious?
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He wanted to get to the bottom.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty?
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket?
A: A screw driver.
What do you call a Sikh trapeze artist?
A: Balan Singh.
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head?
A: An ambulance.
What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
What do you call lending money to a bison?
A: A buffa-loan.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: Gummy bear.